A brief theme park survival guide for parents: How to have funtimes!

Before I provide you with a brief survival guide to ensuring funtimes are had by all at a theme park, I thought I would provide a sort of reflective account about how I was feeling going into today as this may have impacted upon my experience and I don’t want to mislead you the reader.

Grumpy, irritated, not in a good mood. Summed up me yesterday. So today the sun rose, the birds tweeted and I got out of bed to relieve myself determined I would have a better day. Instead of going back to bed I took myself downstairs and made a coffee. 5 minutes of peace later I was joined by the eldest, followed an hour later by the outstanding members of the clan.

After the morning pleasantries were completed I was asked by the wife what I wanted to do. Without hesitation I replied ‘Gullivers World’, the local theme park.

No idea where the idea came from just kind spontaneously fell out. Not like me. But there we had it today’s plan done and dusted in a second. Not the usual 4 hour debarcle we usually engage in before we reach a decision about what to do.

The next 3 hours were spent getting ready. Flo has glitter make-up for our forthcoming adventure to Besitval. It was earmarked for this occasion and hidden just in case little hands found it. Fortunately for Flo, the wife is a soft arse and gave it her today. So after I sat patiently whilst Flo fajazzled me I went and completed the first essential piece of advice I will provide.


Jam pack a bag of food and drinkĀ 

Kids eat food. Food at any attraction is well pricey. Therefore save your self some pennies and take a pack lunch. Next point don’t go into any gift shop / sweet shop on site. You will buy for your child. The sweets will be packed full of E numbers. You don’t need that extra hyperactivity. We were surrounded by jacked up Brownies/ Rainbows all day and it was pretty annoying. They clearly hadn’t been kept away from the sugar and it was at the detriment of my ear drums.

So now having shattered your world with that piece of advice I will rattle of a few more pointers.

Leave your personal space at home

Every other bugger does and even if you try to keep some distance your shepherded into very small spaces that make it nigh on impossible to breath clean air. You will find yourself in front of someone who will be exhaling ever so gently onto the nape of your kneck. It will be off putting and uncomfortable but unfortunately it’s unavoidable. Your child will also most likely ask a question or make a statement that could cause embarrassment. For instance “why is that smelly man not moving?”. Kids say the best things at the greatest times. I usually look to redirect Flo, such as “look at the there” and hope for the best. Other kids in the line will accidently sneak in front of you. It will be tempting to call them out on it. I take the more passive aggressive approach and push Florence back in front of them.

Even if a ride is shit fake itĀ 

Flo wanted to go on all the rides. There was one, i forget the name, that looked pathetic. I mean it looked proper crappy. I could have walked faster than it. But Flo wanted to go on it. I tried to palm her off saying she wouldn’t enjoy it but she was having non of it. We got on and sweet baked potato it was naff. We just went round in a circle very very slowly. It’s hard to be enthusiastic after such an experience but remember you are there for them not you. Smile and knuckle down. If they are having fun don’t piss on it. You will regret it when they throw a wobbler later.



You are in a kids theme park. The inevitably means there will be lots of kids. Your kids are probably ok and well behavedish. Other kids particularly those in large groups, parties, scouts, Brownies etc will be buzzin. Likelihood is their parents have binned them off on the scout leaders for the day so they are free to go wild. This means you’ve got soupped up, parentless kids, in large groups in a theme park with sugar. They will be loud. They will bump into you or cause you to take some sort of jedi evasive action. If one does some stupid shit the rest will follow. Don’t challenge it it will only bite you in the arse. Rise above it. Accept it. Embrace it and remember you were that annoying begger not long ago.


Before leaving to go on your experditation make sure you have stuck the wine or beer in the fridge. If you don’t drink make sure whatever you enjoy as a tipple is in because once you get home you will have earnt it.

Much love