The reality of parenting: the escape to freedom

At the minute Edith refuses to stay sleep. It’s been an on going saga driven I think by her two front teeth descending. Getting out of her bedroom when she does eventually give in is problematic.

Once she is asleep I find myself sprawled out on the floor, arm squeezed between the bars of her cot, hoping that when I do eventually build up the courage to take my arm off her back she does not wake.

But that’s only the beginning of the escape. For once my hand rises off her back and she remains asleep, then starts the tricky retreat back through the bars, knowing the faintest of touches could lead to the quietest of noises yet still loud enough to cause her to wake.

Even if by some miracle my arm escapes the clutches of the cot, fear cannot be abandoned and caution must remain. The movement of my bodily position, from the horizontal to the vertical may disturb her slumber, as my joints and ligaments reposition and allow me to rise.

And dam this body of mine which is plagued by clicky joints, most noticeably my ankles, for even when I am arose I cannot exit with carefree abandon, for fear of a creek from my troublesome bones.

And if my ankles remain silent or their creeks go undetected, there is the problem of the squeaky floor board. Only through experience do I know the route of quietest passage, from the side of the cot to the door. Should I complete this fearful journey and make it to the cusp of freedom, I may stumble at the final hurdle. The door. This barrier between me and the outside world may piss on my parade if it squeaks or floods the room with unwelcome light. Therefore with hope in my heart, and a just passable route, a leap of faith must be took to set my body free.

Yep so that’s pretty much my evenings.

The reality of parenting: Sometimes I fuck up

I missed Florence’s first day of school last week as we both started our new adventures on the same day. I felt a massive amount of guilt about this and although I know she is unlikely to remember this, I will remember.

As the week progressed I felt a strain in our relationship. I was missing her. I was also feeling guilty for leaving every morning before she went to school and getting back well into the bedtime routine. From what the wife was telling me, Flo was also missing me which just added to my guilty feelings.

It all came to a head on Wednesday when we had a nightime battle. She was being a bugger with me and I did not handle it well at all. It left me feeling pretty shit.

Basically I was feeling guilty for not being there, I was missing her and some part of me felt she was pissed off at me. That night I just wanted a nice relaxing time with her where we chatted and cuddled before she feel asleep. I wanted to feel like she was my friend still. So when she began messing about and playing up it tapped into how I was feeling and instead of handling it in a positive way I did the complete opposite and created a worse situation and left Flo and I both feeling shit.

I felt awful that night and the next morning until Flo woke up and came downstairs and said sorry to me. It nearly broke my heart. I apologised to her as well and we had a big cuddle and things have been a lot better since.

Thinking back on it now we both probably just wanted the same thing; to have a chat and cuddle because we missed each other but we were tired, had both had a busy few days, adjusting to a and just went about it all wrong.

And I think that’s often the cause of a lot of problems in a number of relationships. We want the same things we just go about it the wrong way. Either because we are feeling shitty or guilty or whatever or just communicate things in the wrong way. It’s not because we are awful people.

When it does happen don’t beat yourself up to much. Be compassionate towards yourself, say sorry when you get chance and to sweeten any apology, chocolates are always a good idea.